One of the many discoveries within the newest batch of Epstein files has been an email sent by Sir Richard Branson to Epstein.
In the 2013 exchange, Epstein asked for PR advice, and Branson replied with the following:
“I think if Bill Gates was willing to say that you've been a brilliant advisor to him, that you slipped up many years ago by sleeping with a 17 ½ year old woman and were punished for it, that you've more than learnt your lesson and have done nothing that's against the law since and, yes, as a single man you seem to have a penchant for women. But there's nothing wrong with that. Anyway, something along those lines."
It got me thinking: While Branson’s advice is repugnant, it’s not special. It’s the common language of men in our modern political era. Today, I want to dive into the apologies and nonapologies of men accused of sexual misconduct, spanning from the early aughts to the #MeToo era to the Epstein files.
The playbook hasn’t changed much.
“You've more than learnt your lesson and have done nothing that's against the law since and, yes, as a single man you seem to have a penchant for women. But there's nothing wrong with that.”
Testify to Career Accomplishments and Values
The accused set the tone by reminding others of their career and claiming they respect women. For Epstein, it’s that he was a “brilliant advisor.” For Brock Turner, it’s that he’s a good swimmer.
Immediately, this centers the accused man’s experience rather than the victim’s. It puts the stakes in terms of career, seeming to beg the question: should he really lose all of this?
“At every stage of my career, I have sought to uplift my colleagues and cultivate a culture of respect.” — Chris Savino in DEADLINE
Avoid Naming Specific Wrongdoing
While apologizing, the accused never actually say what they did (or are accused of doing.) Instead, they vaguely reference survivors being hurt or made uncomfortable.
This avoids repeating any accounts that could further damage their reputations or providing evidence that could lead to actual legal liability.
“There are no words to express my sorrow and regret for the pain I have caused others by words and actions. To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry.…as I am writing this I realize the depth of the damage and disappointment I have left behind at home and at NBC.” — Matt Lauer on NBC
“I’m beyond horrified to hear this story.” — Kevin Spacey, on Twitter (now X)
Introduce Subjectivity and Memory Issues
Instead of discussing the objective reality of what occurred, accused men focus heavily on nonapology language like describing how victims may have “felt” uncomfortable. This lets them avoid the bad optics of directly calling their accusers liars. Often, these replies lean on the idea of diverging memories to cast doubt on victims’ accounts.
But sexual harassment and assault aren’t rooted solely in feelings.
“I now understand how she feels that she did not consent to this encounter." — Kobe Bryant in AP
“While I don’t remember the rehearsal for the skit as Leeann does, I understand why we need to listen to and believe women’s experiences.” — Sen. Al Franken, in CNN
“We ended up engaging in sexual activity, which by all indications was completely consensual." — Aziz Ansari in Babe
Center The Hardship of the Accused
Instead of lingering on the feelings of victims, accused men construct narratives that center their own personal difficulties and attempt to evoke an audience’s pity.
“It debilitates me to think that my actions have caused her emotional and physical stress that is completely unwarranted and unfair. The thought of this is in my head every second of every day since this event has occurred. These ideas never leave my mind. During the day, I shake uncontrollably from the amount I torment myself by thinking about what has happened." — Brock Turner writing to a judge to request parole
“The past 24 hours have been the darkest of my life.” — Justin Caldbeck in Axios
"Although this year has been incredibly difficult for me personally, I can only imagine the pain she has had to endure." — Kobe Bryant in AP
Treat It Like A Growth Experience
For victims, what might be the worst night of their lives becomes fuel for the story of a flawed man. But survivors don’t come forward so men can publicly benefit from having character arcs.
“It moved things forward for me and made me think about a lot. I hope I’ve become a better person. " — Aziz Ansari in his Netflix special “Right Now”
“This story has encouraged me to address other things about my life.” — Kevin Spacey, on Twitter (now X)
Make the Problem Culture
Accused men often try to broaden the focus from their personal wrongdoing to a larger conversation about culture and attempt to position themselves as advocates for women’s rights with unique expertise. This distracts from the fact that they are accused perpetrators and diffuses blame for their actions as individuals. It’s also not the selfless act it’s trying to be, if they’re only discussing rape culture after themselves being accused.
“I’ve been shattered by the party culture and risk taking behavior that I briefly experienced in my four months at school.” — Brock Turner writing to a judge to request parole
“I came of age in the 60’s and 70’s, when all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different. That was the culture then.” — Harvey Weinstein in the New York Times
"I always think about a conversation I had with one of my friends where he was like, 'You know what, man? That whole thing made me think about every date I’ve ever been on.' And I thought, 'Wow. Well, that’s pretty incredible. It's made, not just me, but other people be more thoughtful, and that's a good thing.'" — Aziz Ansari in his Netflix special “Right Now”
Erase.
As I wrote this, I worried, somewhat, about reprinting the words of men accused without also printing the words of their victims alongside them. That’s what these men wanted done, after all. But I think it’s important to examine the steps these men take to equivocate.
To erase the impact of their actions on the women and men and kids they hurt. To obfuscate and elude responsibility. To keep their space in the spotlight.
Because when we listen to them in isolation, they might sound reasonable. They might trick us. But if you listen to the chorus? You can find the truth.
The truth is, according to RAINN, 33% of women who are raped contemplate suicide. The truth is, survivors have nightmares. The truth is, survivors are forced to operate in a world every day where they’re made to feel invisible, unimportant.
In Chanel Miller’s 2019 memoir, “Know My Name,” she wrote: “The judge had given Brock something that would never be extended to me: empathy. My pain was never more valuable than his potential.”
Her pain matters.
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